I've stopped thinking about this whole thing between me and him, him and her, me and her and what-nots. I still blog about events that happened as a record for myself when i look back. But as I added all my old blogs onto this one, I realised I don't dare to. Don't dare to revisit all the memories be they good or bad.

I've recently taken to reading Jodi Picoult. She's really good. Her stories and expressions especially are so very poignant. Kinda love-hate to read her books. They inevitably remind me of a lot of things and thus make me sad. Just like when I watched the trailer of that Korean show about the grandma and how she brought up her grandson? Oh goodness i can cry from the 3 min trailer so decided not to watch.

Just some thoughts that I had after reading:

When you love someone more than he loves you, you'll try to switch the scales. You'll dress in the way he wants you to, you'll eat the foods he likes, you pick up his favorite figures of speech or expressions. You tell yourself that if you re-create yourself in his image, or simply be what he seems to want you to be, he'll crave/love you the way u do towards him.

When you're told you're someone or something or somewhat like that over and over again, you start to believe it. You live that life and you want to believe it. You want to know that you can. It's not a sacrifice you tell yourself. It's a compromise. But you are wearing a mask, one that slips whenever you let your guard down. You're worried you'll disappoint him. You're worried he'll use it as an excuse to slip away from you. And you know you're bound to disappoint him someday.

Sometimes it's not unlike an addiction - be it narcotic or alcoholic. You know you cannot depend on him so you live for the present. For the bursts of seeming spontaneity. You tell yourself you'll leave but then he does something wonderful or sweet and reels you back again. Then you tell yourself it is enough to sustain, to keep you going. But at times when you falter, you start to wonder how much of it is out of guilt. You use all the good times to paint over the bad ones, however thin it spreads, until you pretend you can't see the bad, or worse, that it doesn't matter.

You watch him fall back into his old ways and sometimes you wish the quarrels would come back so you know how he feels. At times you are secretly or rather subconciously glad that he slipped up, becos then he turns into someone you love, and someone who loves you in return. And then you cannot figure out who you hate more. Him for being like that? Or yourself for putting yourself in such a situation.

Shall I put up my pic to scare? Haha


Toyota MR Spyder - ON HOLD
Driving license - FAILED! =(
Diving license
Visit bro in Tokyo
Beach holiday (Bali/Phuket)
Orlando Disney
LD package
Zoom!
New wardrobe
Lose 3 kg
Dog
New sport (wakeboard/sailing)
Jap goodies - GOT THEM! Thankies bro!

Are we only allowed 3?? =p


Don't sweat the small stuff

Be more patient

Save more



Sammie
Pika
Pamela
Ah Fen
Melmel
Feng Po Zi
Shyan
Corey
Eugene
Cheechee@Dubai
Cheechee's Musings






Purest Of Pain

I'm sorry I didn't mean to call
but I couldn't fight it
I guess I was weak and couldn't even hide it
and so I surrender just to hear your voice
I know how many times I said I'm gonna to live without you
and maybe someone else is standing there beside you
but there's something baby that you need to know
that deep inside me I feel like I'm dying
I have to see you it's all that I'm asking.

Vida, give me back my fantasies
the courage that I need to live
the air that I breathe
Carino mio, my world becomes so empty
my day's are so cold and lonely
and each night I taste
the purest of pain.

I wish I could tell you I'm feeling better every day
that it didn't hurt me when you walked away
but to tell you the truth I can't find my way
and deep inside me I feel like I'm dying
I have to see you it's all that I'm asking.
Vida, give me back...